Above all, love each other deeply.

Ten or so months ago I received a phone call from my good friend, Will Mott. He asked me to have lunch with him between classes. This was strange because, although Will is one of my best guy friends, we don't have lunch together. We actually don't do anything together just the two of us. I met him for lunch downtown fully expecting him to talk to me about my best friend, Liz, and tell me he was upset with her. Liz and Will had been having strange little disagreements in the preceding weeks and I thought Will might finally explain to me why. Well - he did. He told me he wanted to date her. He told me he had wanted to date her for over a year.

I walked home from that lunch replaying every interaction Liz and Will had ever had over and over in my head. He had caught me completely off-guard. I was given strict instructions not to share this new knowledge with anyone and when you live with five of your best friends who share everything with each other, its quite a challenge.

Liz and Will started dating a week or so later and it wasn't long before most of their friends (and both of them) knew they were a good match. I still remember the day she told me she was in love with him.

I cried the night Will asked Lizzy out on their first date. I think most of the Pope Street girls did. It was a beautiful picture of the Lord showing his daughter that he knew her, cherished her and had plans for her. It was during a time that Liz was struggling to believe in the Lord's provision, and I was struggling to believe that any of our prayers and pleas were being heard that year. The last month or so in our house had been hell.

I cried last week when Will called me on the phone and said first thing, "I want to marry your best friend." I had to sit down on the floor and catch my breath. It was months before I thought there would be any talk of engagement. But more than that - those are words everybody wants to hear about the people they love most in the world.

I realized a couple days ago that for years I have been praying for Will. I have prayed for the man that my best friend would marry and asked, above all, that he would be a man of God. I could not approve more. Will is one of the most joyful and creative people I know. For him to marry the girl who teaches me more every day about the reality and attainability of joy is more than perfect. So congratulations Liz and Will. I can't wait to celebrate with you on your wedding day.

The gift of failure.

When I boarded the plane for Pennsylvania I felt like I had made a mess of everything. I know I've mentioned before that failure seemed to be a theme throughout my senior year, but as the summer played out it was especially ridiculous while I remained unemployed and moved back in with my parents. And it wasn't that I knowingly made a lot of bad decisions or anything. I tried to 'follow all the rules' and seek wisdom from the right places in every decision I remember making. But at some point last year I lost my ability to tell up from down. The black and white I used to live in became grey and all my decisions turned to guesswork.

But I figured working at camp might be good. It would at least be a break from unemployment. Within a week I knew something else was going on. When my campers first started pushing the rules, being disrespectful, etc. I thought that this would be great chance to learn how to deal with kids. How to talk to them, have fun with them, listen to them, discipline them. Nope. Wrong again. My summer at camp quickly became another lesson about failure. But better than that - a lesson about accepting it and not letting it break my heart.

Since camp was a job it made it a little easier. If I lost my temper with my girls I was not doing my job well; I needed to do my job well. So I either learned quickly how not to be discouraged by their attitudes and complete disrespect, or I went home without a paycheck. Sounds like Survivor? That's because that's what it was like.

Camp magnified my post-graduation-identity-crisis and forced me to find answers. Quick. I learned not to take people's criticism so personally. I learned that even if everything bad someone said about me was true it didn't matter. I learned that every single day I have to remember who the Lord thinks I am and cling to that like its my job. Unless I am grounded in the truth that, yes I'm a failure and yes, I am redeemed, I cannot live. That sounds like something I should've known and heard all my life, but I was never in a situation of such discouragement and self-consciousness before that required me to know and remember those specific truths.

I thought when I got home from PA I would need my parents to love on me and remind me daily that I'm not worthless. That I'm not unlovable or disgusting or completely and totally annoying. But I didn't need it. As I thought I was being ripped apart, the Lord was actually building me up. He was showing me all the ways the world could see me, some true and some untrue. And he was letting me know that it didn't matter. It doesn't matter if everyone thinks I'm ugly or creepy or boring because HE doesn't think that.

I know I messed up A LOT of things last year. I tried my best not to. But- its alot like my parents always told me in school after a failing grade. They asked me if I studied hard and did my best. And when I honestly replied that I had, they said that was great. It wasn't about the grade it was about the effort. If I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and I screw everything up. . .I am still okay.

He's perfect, not me. I am going to try to live like him. When I mess that up I am going to remember that. . .of course I did. I'm not Him. I'm not capable of perfection. My story - whether I live well or I make messy mistakes - isn't the point. And why live in guilt when He doesn't want me to? He did everything that was needed to free me from that a long time ago.

I am a complete failure and I am completely free.

rambles and such

I'm having trouble writing. I'm actually having trouble thinking. I keep looking forward to the day I'm back in Georgia where my heart will feel home. And then I expect I will be able to sort my thoughts and share what has been bumping around in my head. But I have a secret fear that none of my thoughts from living in Pennsylvania will ever be sorted. Because there is so much. So much I'm thinking and seeing for the first time. I'm afraid when I'm finally taken out of this atmosphere I'll forget all about it. I hope not, because then why did I come after all?

I think heaven is a lot like college. Or Athens. I wonder if many people feel that way about their college experience. But really - I don't write that flippantly. I really think its true and this is why: Community.

Okay. . .I know community is a buzzword right now and I hesitate using overused words, especially when I write. So let's pretend we're at L'abri Fellowship and I'll define it for you.

Community is. . .sharing life. It is cookouts and book clubs and long talks over cream soda about what is on your mind. It is being willing to borrow. To depend. To share not only what you have but who you are. And for Christians, who you are is who God has let you be, who God has made you to be. So sharing yourself is really sharing Him.

Now - the great thing about college is that I didn't really have a choice. I didn't have to choose to live in community; I was forced to live in community. To rely. To serve. To give and to get. And now I am terrified of ever living outside of that sort of love. And the reason I am terrified is because I don't think we were ever intended to leave it.

But I think now we are called to leave it.
I think...

I've been reading through the New Testament books written by Paul and there is something I'm not getting. Paul doesn't seem joyful, and yet he mentions joy as a fruit of the Spirit. He mentions it a lot. Paul yearns for heaven. For life on the other side of glory. And yet he has stepped out of his Christian community and chosen to preach the gospel. And sometimes he is in places of darkness. And sometimes he aches for the Church.

My thoughts are all over the place.
What I'm thinking is: Every Christian needs to leave Christian community for awhile. And when I say leave it I really mean leave it. Because when you live in Christian community all your life you can rely on it for all your strength without even realizing it. And that sounds good until you realize that doesn't neccessarily mean you're relying on the Lord at all. And there is a chance that, really, you are only living a life honorable to the Lord because all of your friends are, and not because you have chosen to believe and then take on everything that goes with that.

I'm aching to be back in my community. But I can't help but feel like I am supposed to leave it. At least for awhile.

Exploring

Kelly and I explored a couple adandoned buildings today...an old church and a motel.

No matter what, motels are always slightly creepy.