We all went to a pub in Liss last night, It was about a 20 minute walk. We left around dusk so the walk was beautiful, and on the way home around 11pm the sky was clear and stars were perfect. I thought of you, Rae.
I went for a walk with Edith on Friday. She is my tutor so I meet with her once week to go over what I’m learning and get her insight, etc. We walked down Church Lane and I had to tell her about my last year, and being sick, and all the different thoughts that go with it. I told her that I am worn out with the talk of healing because that isn’t the point. Chris and I talked about that on our walk to Liss two days ago too. (Chris is 31. He’s traveling the world. His girlfriend Samantha is supposed to come stay next week as well.) He agreed and asked me what the point was. I couldn’t answer him. And that’s weird to me because I know the answer is relationship. God and me. People and me. But why couldn’t I think of that?
Edith asked all the right questions. I ended up telling her all the layers of the things I have been thinking and she didn’t make me feel ignorant or messed up. She told me to keep asking questions because there was no point of pretending like I didn’t have them. God knows I do. And I am not fooling him by trying to believe the facts I know about his character when I really don’t trust his character.
I have been thinking about that a lot the last two days. Especially as I have talked to Chris more about learning to feel and controlling introspection.
I think rehab must be a lot like this.
I need to admit my disbelief instead of force it away with biblical answers. Biblical truth. Even if I know the truth I may not believe it. L’abri is all about questions, and its good because I didn’t realize until being here how scared I am to ask them. I feel like I’m betraying God by doubting. But I guess it is more of a betrayal to pretend.
Edith said, in friendships, we often ask each other the same questions a number of times to get the full truth, because people don’t explain everything fully the first time. And sometimes you learn something new about a friend that doesn’t correlate with what you previously knew, and it seems like a contradiction. So you have to re-ask a previous question to figure out who they really are and how all the pieces go together. And it would be crazy not to do that with God. If something he has done doesn’t seem good it is okay to re-ask him if he really is good.
I wasn’t as tired after I talked to her. Last night after walking back from Liss, Chris and I sat on the stairs and talked— Kendra joined a little later. And he mentioned how thinking is exhausting. And its true. I feel tired, especially after this year, of trying to force myself into thinking and believing in parts of God’s character that confuse me. But forcing myself doesn’t work and then I’m lost in thought and I’m exhausted. Andrew and Jim (workers at L’abri) told Chris to stop and listen to the birds. I think we all need more of that advice.
“L'abri is somewhere between fantastic and rubbish.” - Jim.
I went for a walk with Edith on Friday. She is my tutor so I meet with her once week to go over what I’m learning and get her insight, etc. We walked down Church Lane and I had to tell her about my last year, and being sick, and all the different thoughts that go with it. I told her that I am worn out with the talk of healing because that isn’t the point. Chris and I talked about that on our walk to Liss two days ago too. (Chris is 31. He’s traveling the world. His girlfriend Samantha is supposed to come stay next week as well.) He agreed and asked me what the point was. I couldn’t answer him. And that’s weird to me because I know the answer is relationship. God and me. People and me. But why couldn’t I think of that?
Edith asked all the right questions. I ended up telling her all the layers of the things I have been thinking and she didn’t make me feel ignorant or messed up. She told me to keep asking questions because there was no point of pretending like I didn’t have them. God knows I do. And I am not fooling him by trying to believe the facts I know about his character when I really don’t trust his character.
I have been thinking about that a lot the last two days. Especially as I have talked to Chris more about learning to feel and controlling introspection.
I think rehab must be a lot like this.
I need to admit my disbelief instead of force it away with biblical answers. Biblical truth. Even if I know the truth I may not believe it. L’abri is all about questions, and its good because I didn’t realize until being here how scared I am to ask them. I feel like I’m betraying God by doubting. But I guess it is more of a betrayal to pretend.
Edith said, in friendships, we often ask each other the same questions a number of times to get the full truth, because people don’t explain everything fully the first time. And sometimes you learn something new about a friend that doesn’t correlate with what you previously knew, and it seems like a contradiction. So you have to re-ask a previous question to figure out who they really are and how all the pieces go together. And it would be crazy not to do that with God. If something he has done doesn’t seem good it is okay to re-ask him if he really is good.
I wasn’t as tired after I talked to her. Last night after walking back from Liss, Chris and I sat on the stairs and talked— Kendra joined a little later. And he mentioned how thinking is exhausting. And its true. I feel tired, especially after this year, of trying to force myself into thinking and believing in parts of God’s character that confuse me. But forcing myself doesn’t work and then I’m lost in thought and I’m exhausted. Andrew and Jim (workers at L’abri) told Chris to stop and listen to the birds. I think we all need more of that advice.
“L'abri is somewhere between fantastic and rubbish.” - Jim.
Every day I understand that a little more.
You are in your element. I'm imensely happy for you. It is such a blessing for you to be in a place where all you are supposed to do is ask questions and no one gives you the cliche Christian answers, they just encourage you to keep asking more questions. I really really miss you and I can't wait to see you in...13 days!
ReplyDeletei love it. i heard the other day that we need to stop listening to ourselves so much and start talking to ourselves more. if that doesn't make sense, i'll explain it more when i can :) love you
ReplyDeleteyeah rae- randy pope said something like that the last sunday i was home. that we need to talk to our hearts a lot more than we do. instead of listening our hearts.
ReplyDelete