Home is the place you left

I'm home.

As I boarded my plane two days ago, climbing the steps off of the runway with the sun rising behind me in a pink sky - I said goodbye to Venice and remembered a quote from my favorite play, Our Town, when the main character asks the narrator if "human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?" He answers, "No. Saints and poets, maybe. They do some." And I stepped onto the plane thinking that for the first time that I can remember, I was realizing life while living it. And now there is no other way worth living.

On the airplane home I watched the movie American Beauty. I am not recommending it. But there is quote at the very end that perfectly described my last three months. Here it is.
"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

There is so much beauty in the world. I wish I had seen it sooner.

I have seen things this summer that are great proof of God's goodness, and things that instill great doubt within me. Silly prayers have been answered and heavy prayers have been left untouched.
This summer was a rough battle. A wrestling match. Me face down in the dirt calling out in anger, feeling unheard. Seeing everyone around me hear the Lord's voice and feel his direction. Doubting whether I actually believed anything good about the Lord. Asking questions buried so deep inside of me that I didn't even know they were there until Edith and Chris told me so. Learning to pray when I felt like I was surrounded by stone walls that only echoed back the sound of my own cries.

And at the same time, it was a summer of praises escaping from my heart more often than they ever have before because my body can't contain the beauty of England, Cortona, or Cinque Terre without throwing the praise back at the Creator. Thankful for the black-on-white contrast between the depths of last summer and the heights of this one.

There are a million moments I could share. Stories I could tell. But the point is this - I think we all need to realize how much beauty there is in the world. And if we can't see it where we are, we need to move. Because it is a waste of everybody's time to live blind to it all