being human

I just had a wonderful conversation with a friend of mine on the west coast. A strong, fiercely honest friend I met five years ago in California where we worked together at a ranch. I don't know anyone that matches her and I'm honored every time my phone rings and I see her name on the screen. I've done a lousy job of keeping in touch and she hasn't given up on me yet. Every time I talk to Amanda I remember how passionately I believe in honesty. And I'm reminded of how skillfully we southern folk, and especially southern Christian folk, can convince ourselves how content we are when often our souls are screaming on the inside. But I'm not passionate about honesty because that's what right and we need more truth tellers in the world today. I'm passionate about it because it screws with our theology and our perception of God.

I read a blog this week that says when it comes to me and God, "I bring nothing to the table except the unrighteousness that makes Christ's righteousness necessary." And I wonder how many of us really believe that. I know by grace we sometimes do. But I also get to thinking that "If I just prayed enough, believed enough or was filled with the Spirit enough I wouldn't ever get discouraged or downcast." But the second I start thinking I can bring something to the table my connection to grace has been snapped. I have to shove away these thoughts and remember that "the gospel frees us to be human."

Sometimes I think the name of this blog should be the art of being human. Because that's a lot of what bravery is to me.  It's the courage and conviction to admit who I really am - someone who fails constantly and has the faith to admit that it's okay. Because there's a God that's bigger than me and bigger than the darkest, most hopeless parts of me. The ones I don't even admit to myself. He is bigger. And when He sees those parts of me, He sees me as complete and He loves me the same. "Even the best things we do have something in them that needs to be pardoned." What wonderful news! He knows how bad I am and He still wants me. There's no gain in pretending.