and we're back

I have learned a lot about forgiveness in the last week. About how it is an action and sometimes we have to do it over and over because when we hurt the pain snaps back on and resentment can start over. I wish I could forgive like the Lord does - forgetting completely our sins and seeing as as clean each time we repent. But thank God he is patient with us and lets us start over when we need to try to forgive again and again.

I am reading the book When Jesus Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada right now. I'm almost done. No book I have read before has spoken so perfectly into what I am questioning and unsure of about God, and suffering, and pain.

All I want to do is write section by section what I learned from Joni's book. But that'd be ridiculous. So, I can say, I have learned that hurting is okay. And that it isn't always our fault. Sometimes, yeah, it is a consequence of being an idiot. Or being selfish or just plain inconsiderate. But sometimes we hurt simply because we live in a place that has fallen from glory.

I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time over the break, and I'm not recommending it although it does make one wonder why Robin Williams has yet to win an oscar for anything he has done (Dead Poet's Society...come on people. That's epic.) In one of the last scenes Robin William's character looks at Matt Damon and tells him that the pain and abuse in his life isn't Matt's fault. And he keeps repeating it over and over, "It's not your fault." And Matt Damon starts off saying, "Yeah, I know" every time as a reply. And then he stops replying and you watch him really get it for the first time - that the abuse is not his fault. The pain. The abandonment. And Matt Damon loses it and its the bets man-crying scene ever.

I didn't think a whole lot about that scene when I first saw it, other than that the acting was fantastic. But as I have been learning this week about. . .a million things. . .that scene came to my mind. Because to me, I associate pain with sin. And I still think the two are associated. I mean, without sin there wouldn't be any pain in the world. But does that mean that every thing in our lives that causes us pain is a direct result of our sin? Can I trace back over my life and pinpoint the sin I committed which caused my disease? Most people would say no. Most people would say that they don't know why sickness happens, but to blame it on ourselves is not the right answer. But then why are people so impatient with people who are hurting?

I think a lot of the time Jesus is Robin Williams' character, looking us in the eyes and saying, "It's not your fault." Because when we give our lives to Jesus, we give ourselves away to sickness, abuse, abandonment and we say that since we know the Lord is good, we know that anything he works in our lives is good. But the best part is, we also give ourselves away to full joy, contentment, forgiveness, and the ability to love.

I am starting to believe I am better off with a liver disease. With full body muscle pain. With tears in my eyes almost every night. Because I have never worshiped God to the depth that I have in the last month, even when I was healthy, strong, and content. There is nothing as painful and beautiful to me as singing, "nothing is impossible with you" when I can barely get the words out smoothly because my voice is hoarse and has been for 2 months now. I can't wait for the day when I am strong enough to sing to him with a full voice, but I think for now, the hoarse man-voice I'm rocking is much more beautiful.