Monday, March 29, 2010

Grace.

I didn't think I would ever write this post. And by God's grace I got to a point in my heart when I didn't need to. And because of that everything is more beautiful.

Could I be a little more ambiguous?

I came home early from class today and rummaged through the cabinet for something to eat because it's the end of the month and money is running low. I found black beans and corn, which actually turned out to be a great meal. No one was home to talk to while I ate so I actually turned on the TV. If you know my house then you know its a weird day when the TV is turned on. After four straight minutes of pressing buttons and trying to get the stinking guide to stop covering the screen, the TV landed on that show about baby stories. I don't know what its called and it is embarrassing to admit that I left it on that channel - because I'm not a huge fan of babies or reality TV. But the TV had defeated me so I sat down and watched this lady talk about how she was having her second child and was worried about her pregnancy. She had undergone a liver transplant at age 13 and went on to explain that women who have organ transplants usually don't carry their child to full term. And all of the sudden I'm covering my face with my hands and weeping. But this time it's tears of joy.

I don't have PSC.
A liver biopsy came back last week with only mild evidence of inflammation in my liver.
I'm not going to need a liver transplant.
The pain I have experienced for the last few months is not going to last my whole life.
I can have kids without worrying about being sick and missing out on parts of their childhood.
I can get married without feeling like a burden.
I can travel.
I can take risks.
I can live, actually live. And it wasn't until this week that I realized I had somehow forgotten that I could.

But what is better than all of that is that for the first time in two years I believe in the character of God without having to struggle and wrestle and question. I knew He is faithful, but He has given me the grace to see it in my life. For at least this one moment, my definition of good is aligned with His. I feel like I'm drowning in His grace.

I have a million thoughts to work through. I can't do the Lord's work any justice by trying to explain it here. All I can say is that He is who He says He is and it is not because I am healed. He would have been the same God if I was being rushed to the hospital right now for emergency surgery. But He has given me the gift of himself this week. And that is what I really wanted.

I constantly doubt the Lord. I don't really doubt that He exists, but I do doubt that He loves. I doubt that He listens or even cares. Sometimes I am fully convinced He uses us at His own disposal and thinks nothing of our own good. And in the last year it has become harder and harder to believe Him. As I have looked down at my swollen hands or across the room at my best friend who I nearly lost, I have almost given up. But He hasn't let me give up completely. He gave me enough strength to hold on. To believe that He is enough. That He is fighting for me in the best possible way.

I came to a point this year when I accepted He wasn't going to save me in this world. That my health wasn't going to get better and it was now up to me to believe that disease is the best. He helped me believe that. And if I get sick again, I will believe it again. But instead of Him deserting me like I deserve, and instead of Him holding my hand and walking me through sickness as I expected - He made me well. Not my body.
My soul.
My heart.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. "

If I never feel the amount of joy I have felt this week ever again in my life I won't be surprised. Because this joy doesn't come from this world.

10 comments:

  1. Anna- you are truly a blessing to me. I am not sick of body, bu often find I am sick of soul--you are a beautiful woman of the Lord and I am thankful and humbled by you. Revel in His grace this Easter sister!!!

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  2. This is beautiful, as always. I'm so happy to celebrate in this moment of rejoicing with you. I love you.

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  3. Anna~what a beautiful heart you have. Thank you for sharing it and for learning & teaching the art of being brave.

    (You don't know me, but I know your brother and Erin and think they are pretty fabulous.)

    Thank you and peace to you~
    miska

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  4. Oh Anna this was so touching and made me cry and cry! Kaylee and I SO know where you have been! I think the mistake we make as Christians is forgetting that we are at war here on this earth! There is so much sin and evil surrounding us and we attach it to God which is not the truth! God will use this experience in your life to help you understand the pain of others as HE has for Kaylee! He is not finished fighting for you! It is a huge step for you to realize that He already is! We are praying for you and we love you! You are an amazing woman!

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  5. Amen, Anna. You've said it all.

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  6. I say we go to Australia...you in? In all seriousness, I love you dearly and am here to walk with you through whatever else is going to happen.

    "No mountain
    No valley
    No gain or loss we know
    Could keep us from Your love

    No sickness
    No secret
    No chain is strong enough
    To keep us from Your love
    To keep us from Your love

    How high
    How wide
    No matter where I am
    Healing is in Your hands

    How deep
    How strong
    Now by Your grace I stand
    Healing is in Your hands

    Our present
    Our future
    Our past is in Your hands
    We're covered by Your blood
    We're covered by Your blood

    In all things we know that
    We are more than conquerors
    You keep us by Your love"
    ~ Christy Nockels

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  7. Just read this girl. I am so grateful to hear the results of these tests! Great stuff and thanks for your continued honesty in the good, the bad, and the indifferent. I'm so honored to know you.

    David Mc

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  8. yes. wow Anna. I am so moved by this. God is so good and I love, LOVE hearing his testimony in your life. You are so beautiful and God truly delights in you!!!!
    love you girl

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  9. love that God is using your story to bring glory to himself.

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  10. What wonderful news! (words don't do justice sometimes) I am praising God, so very very happy for you.

    Just after I read your blog, I read the following in My Utmost for His HIghest (Oswald Chambers). Maybe (maybe not!) it will mean something to you.

    Nov. 5 -- Partakers of His Sufferings

    If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others. Because of this process, you will never be surprised by what comes your way....

    The sufferings of Christ were not those of ordinary people. He suffered "according to the will of God" (1 Pet 4:19), having a different point of view of suffering from ours. It is only through our relationship with Jesus Christ that we can understand what God is after in His dealings with us....People have sought to carry out God's orders through a shortcut of their own. God's way is always the way of suffering--the way of the "long road home."

    Are we prepared for God to destroy our individual decisions by supernaturally transforming them? It will mean not knowing why God is taking us that way, because knowing would make us spiritually proud.

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