I'm having trouble writing. I'm actually having trouble thinking. I keep looking forward to the day I'm back in Georgia where my heart will feel home. And then I expect I will be able to sort my thoughts and share what has been bumping around in my head. But I have a secret fear that none of my thoughts from living in Pennsylvania will ever be sorted. Because there is so much. So much I'm thinking and seeing for the first time. I'm afraid when I'm finally taken out of this atmosphere I'll forget all about it. I hope not, because then why did I come after all?
I think heaven is a lot like college. Or Athens. I wonder if many people feel that way about their college experience. But really - I don't write that flippantly. I really think its true and this is why: Community.
Okay. . .I know community is a buzzword right now and I hesitate using overused words, especially when I write. So let's pretend we're at L'abri Fellowship and I'll define it for you.
Community is. . .sharing life. It is cookouts and book clubs and long talks over cream soda about what is on your mind. It is being willing to borrow. To depend. To share not only what you have but who you are. And for Christians, who you are is who God has let you be, who God has made you to be. So sharing yourself is really sharing Him.
Now - the great thing about college is that I didn't really have a choice. I didn't have to choose to live in community; I was forced to live in community. To rely. To serve. To give and to get. And now I am terrified of ever living outside of that sort of love. And the reason I am terrified is because I don't think we were ever intended to leave it.
But I think now we are called to leave it.
I think...
I've been reading through the New Testament books written by Paul and there is something I'm not getting. Paul doesn't seem joyful, and yet he mentions joy as a fruit of the Spirit. He mentions it a lot. Paul yearns for heaven. For life on the other side of glory. And yet he has stepped out of his Christian community and chosen to preach the gospel. And sometimes he is in places of darkness. And sometimes he aches for the Church.
My thoughts are all over the place.
What I'm thinking is: Every Christian needs to leave Christian community for awhile. And when I say leave it I really mean leave it. Because when you live in Christian community all your life you can rely on it for all your strength without even realizing it. And that sounds good until you realize that doesn't neccessarily mean you're relying on the Lord at all. And there is a chance that, really, you are only living a life honorable to the Lord because all of your friends are, and not because you have chosen to believe and then take on everything that goes with that.
I'm aching to be back in my community. But I can't help but feel like I am supposed to leave it. At least for awhile.
I remember my first year of being a "grown up" realizing how easy college was. I think it was the community. But because the community came so easily.I think I wrote about it. It took me working in the world to realize that it isn't full of beautiful people like you. If you think about it you realize that most everyone from college is just like you. Smart, middle class, and beautiful. It's pretty easy to form community. And really hard to leave. Im not sure where I'm going with this except to tell you that I get it, and it's hard. And you have to work your butt off to have community outside of college, but it can and will happen. Love you
ReplyDeleteThe main thing I learned at Gateway was what you're writing about. Couldn't go to church, couldn't attend anything regularly as my days off changed every week. It was lonely, I was hated, it was far away from home.It was my first job after college and in a town where I didn't know many people . It was the time I grew closest to God because there was no one else likeminded to talk to or to lean on. Thankfully, in time, your Dad came to work there and we became close friends and encouragers of one another. It was a real transition time in my faith. A bedrock.
ReplyDeleteI hate being by myself, but that's the season on my life right now. I'm being transformed for some purpose. Yet, I've never learned as much from the Lord as I have in this phase of life. I think if you let Him, He'll teach you a world of new things in your solitary journey. Get it, Miss Grace.
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